Blogging out the Old Year

A lot of people get hopeful and philosophical this time of year about the year to come. I prefer to reminisce. This is gonna be a long one.

So here we are. The end of 2008. Tomorrow starts 2009… a year all shiny and new. My hope for 2009 is that it will bring great things to the people who matter in my life… and that for D and I it’ll be better than the 2 years that precede it.

What does that mean? That means healthy relationships, marriages, and kids for my friends who are on those paths. It means prosperity for all our friends. It means the absolute minimum of grief. It means hopefully finding a job (or two or three or whatever it takes to not lose the house). It means steps forward on our personal project (in whatever direction necessary) with no more disappointments or losses.

The last few months have been an unusual mix. I’ve been out of work since the end of May, and have yet to uncover any realistic prospects for employment, it seems. There have been a few positions I’ve applied for and been excited about… many more that have been applied for as “at least it’s something”… but nothing’s panned out yet. So it’s looking like I might have to let go of the ideal of finding work close enough to stay living where we currently are… which brings a whole other bunch of complications with it. Like not wanting, ideally, to try to sell our house in the current economic climate. Like not wanting to abandon the kidsicles. Like D having a good, fairly recession-proof job and it’d be better if we didn’t have to give that up, too. (I say “Fairly” because I doubt that any job these days is truly recession-proof… but he’s got a good reputation with the company, and people aren’t going to stop dying any time soon, so that’s an advantage).

I’ve been attacked verbally. I’ve come to the unfortunate conclusion that someone I counted as a friend has said some pretty harsh things behind my back that they’re too chicken shit to say to my face, so they let someone else act as their mouthpiece. I’ve seen friends welcome new additions to their families with the mix of joy and sadness that goes with that… but I’d like to think I’ve been happier for them than I’ve been sad for us. I think. I hope.

But I’ve made some new friends who I think are truly wonderful people, too. And possibly acquired a new pastime. And this is where I sing their praises ;)

I think I may have mentioned that back in spring D took up a new hobby. Paintball. Now, those of you who know me from University days will probably remember I had a stalker. And those of you who were familiar with the situation will remember that he was an avid paintballer who, along with his paintballing friends, had serious issues recognizing boundries… any kind of boundries. And he did stupid-ass things like shooting up my residence house with paint and pellets after I went to the campus cops to report him etc. etc. etc. As a result of that, I developed a very bad mental association where paintball was concerned. I figured if this guy and his buddies from the sport were all asshats, then chances were pretty good that most people drawn to the sport were asshats. Ah, early-20s logic at its finest!

Anyway, D took up the sport. I made it clear to him that I had absolutely no interest in anything paintball related. At all. None. Zero. But he started talking about some of the people he met… and they sounded almost normal *laugh* (whatever ‘normal’ means ;) ). And then he joined a team… but not a competitive team… one that’s all about making it a safe and fun outing for everyone. And he went to their end-of-season banquet and came home with more stories. So I figured I’d like to meet these people. So I signed up on a forum they frequent… and I poked around, and observed (‘cuz it’s what I do), and posted a bit (‘cuz that’s also what I do ;) )… and attended an event with D that these guys run for kids to introduce them to the sport and train them right from the get-go. And I felt like a complete outsider, but I was intrigued, too.

Well, a month or so has passed now… and I’ve gone to a couple more of these things, once even without D! And I’ve met a bunch of the guys, and some of their better halves. And in another couple of days, I’m taking another step and taking the field with D and these guys (and some of their ladies). The mind… it boggles *laugh*. But as I said to D the other night… I already feel like I’ve inherited a bunch of “big brothers”. These guys have made me feel welcome… they’ve made me re-evaluate my view of the sport and the people who play it… they make me feel like part of the family. And that’s pretty damn cool.

So, in spite of all the bad of the past 18 months, I think I can say that 2008 is ending on a higher note… and that’s a nice change.

Huh... interesting....

I understand that companies run contests and give-aways to get information for marketing purposes.  I also understand that some companies "share" (read: sell) the information to other companies for cross-marketing.

However, I thought that the technicalities were that you had to be able to opt out of the selling or sharing of your personal info.

Seems not.

I was just on a site offering a freebie.  There was a spot to enter your email address.  Below were two check boxes... the first saying that you agree to comply with the rules of the give-away... the second saying that you agree to the sharing of your personal info with a third party for marketing purposes.  I, of course, unchecked the second box.  I want to have some control over where my contact info goes.  So, I unchecked the box and hit "Continue"... only to be confronted with an 'error' box telling me to check the box again.  Seriously, it said "please check the box verifying permission to share your information".

*boggle*


So... no freebie for me.

5 years?? 5 years!

So.  November 8th.  Happy Anniversary to us!  5 years... how did that happen already?

It's been quite the ride over the past 5 years.... lots of ups (fun trips, new house, fun car...)... lots of downs (burst pipes, flooded basements, car crashes, feline emergencies, lost job, lost loved-ones...), but I think we're doing pretty well.

So, although D's working today (poopy), we've got a decent plan to mark the event, I think.

As an anniversary gift, my parents are treating us to a "romance package" at a swank downtown hotel... and we've got a dinner reservation at 360 restaurant (in the CN tower).  Here's hoping for a relatively cloud-free night *laugh*

But seriously... how has it been 5 years already?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!???

Seriously?

So... those of you who might be reading and aren't in Toronto might need some 'background'.

We have city issued Garbage and recycling bins (and green bins for compostable materials).  Recently, the city began charging an additional fee for garbage collection based on the size of garbage bin selected by homeowners.  We also alternate garbage and recycling collections (i.e. last week they collected garbage, so this week it's recycling, and next week is garbage again).

Last week, D rolled our garbage bin to the curb for the weekly pick-up.  I completely forgot what day it was, so I didn't think to go out and bring it back in.  In fact, I completely forgot about it until 8 p.m. when he turned to me and said "Thanks for bringing in the bin!".  Oh crap.  I didn't.  You mean it's not there?  Yup... that's exactly what he meant.

Somebody stole our farking bin!

Seriously?  You've got nothing better to do that steal someone's city-issued garbage bin?  What... it's got wheels and therefore must be stolen?  WTF?!?!?

So... now I have to wander the neighbourhood to see if there's a stray garbage can sitting at the curb somewhere (since this is recycling week, it should stand out), and approach the residents of the house where it might be before taking the damn thing for a walk through the neighbourhood to bring it home.  OR, worst case, I get to call the city... get bounced around (because inevitably I will call the wrong department first, or no-one will know how to answer me)... and get to argue the "no, I don't remember what size bin I ordered, but you should be able to tell me that, since you're charging me based on a particular bin size" point.

Who steals a garbage can?

Wish me luck!

Learn to drive!!!

Ok, so after my adventures on the roads of Toronto yesterday, I firmly believe that a frightening number of drivers got their licences in boxes of CrackerJacks.

Asshat #1:  I'm at a set of traffic lights with 2 left turn lanes.  I am in the right of these lanes.  In other words, the lane immediately to my right is a lane designated for travel onward along the road from which I am about to turn.  Light turns green.  Car to my immediate right  begins to move... only he's not going straight.  He's turning.  And since there are no lane markings for a turn from that lane, he's IN my lane.  Insert several seconds of standing on the horn and much cursing audible inside my car.  It gets better, though.  The road we're turning onto has 3 lanes, but the one on the right isn't really a lane, so much as a really long on-ramp.  It runs for slightly less than 1 block, and ends in an on-ramp to the 401.  So, numb-nuts clues in that I'm not surrendering the lane I'm in to him, and he's not actually in a turning lane... so he finishes his turn into this extreme right lane... but he's slightly ahead of me because I value my car too much to really force the issue around the turn.  I move to pass him, but he decides he doesn't want to be on the on-ramp... so he moves over.  NOTE:  this does not mean he changes speed or shoulder checks.  This does not even mean he looks in his goddamn mirror.  This means he moves over.  Blindly.  While my car is 1/2 way up the side of his.  Cue horn.  Cue foot to floor.  Cue more cursing.

Asshat.

Asshats # 2 - 279,329,562:  Does anyone check their mirrors any more?  Or their 'blind spot'?  Or their freakin' speedometer?

If the car immediately behind you on the highway is larger and heavier than yours, and the vehicle in front of you is a transport truck... it's safe to bet that both the vehicle in front of AND BEHIND yours will take longer to stop than you will.  Ergo, no need to slam on your brakes when the transport truck you're following eases onto his brakes.

If you're in the left-most lane on the 401 and traffic is flowing well, there's absolutely no reason or excuse to be travelling at 75 km/h.  None.  That's a ticketable offense, so unacceptable is such behaviour.

If you are incapable of maintaining both a conversation and your lane on the highway, guess which one you should forgo?  Yeah, the conversation, dumbass.  Or better yet... forgo driving completely.

GET OFF MY PIECE OF ROAD!

And this is why I try not to drive on the 401 in Toronto.  Outside Toronto... not nearly as many problems, really... yeah, there are still a few idiots, but not nearly as high a concentration.

People are dumb.

And they eat a lot of CrackerJacks ;)

Theme Songs

Do you have a 'theme song'?  A song that resonates with you more than others?  A song that inspires you?

I've had a few over the years.  Some of them have come around more than once.

Back in High School (when I was a social outcast... ok maybe I'm STILL a social outcast ;) ), it was "I'm Going Slightly Mad" by Queen.  Self-explanatory, really.

In University is was "So Alive" by Love and Rockets... and that one still resonates, as long as there isn't a mirror in the vicinity.

After the catastrophic failure of my first engagement, Kim Stockwood provided my anthem-du-jour with "You Jerk".  Conveniently, it was still in my collection for the next Jerk... and the next... and the next. ;)

Lately it's been an oldie that's been around the 'theme song' track a few times.  Another Queen hit... "The Show Must Go On".  It panders to my inner whiny little drama queen, but also reminds me that no matter what kind of shit happens in life... well... shit happens.  You pick up the pieces, you move on, you hold it together.  Or at least, I try to.

If you're curious about any of these songs which have been 'themes' for me, google "lyrics bandname song title" and have a read.  Who knows... one of them might resonate with you, too.

So... do you have a theme song?  Care to share?

I'm coming out of the closet....

...no, not THAT closet... the one down the hall. Another topic that nobody talks about, to the detriment of society, I think. I've been holding off posting about it here for several reasons (privacy concerns among family that they won't spread the info indiscriminately, a certain amount of shame, grief... ), but the time has come.

I am a mother of 12 with no child to hold.

Yeah... I hear ya... WTF? What's she talking about???

Well, this is what I'm talking about.

D and I have been struggling with fertility challenges for a few years now. Over the past year we've been stunned by our diagnosis, come to terms with it, I've gone through more tests, scans, blood draws, and injections than I care to contemplate, we've done 2 fresh cycles of IVF (in vitro fertilization... about as invasive as it gets in this game) with ICSI (which theoretically upped our odds), we've done 1 frozen cycle. And still we have no child to hold.

But we have children we love.

We've transferred 2 embryos every time we've transferred.

The first fresh cycle worked. Sadly, it didn't stick, and even before we'd had a chance to enjoy the good news or seen our child(ren), I miscarried. We didn't have a chance to enjoy being pregnant, but we love those children.

The frozen cycle didn't take. That was great news to get on New Years Eve. They didn't stay, but we love those children.

The second fresh cycle also worked. But when we went for our "viability ultrasound" at about 7 weeks we discovered that not only were we facing a missed miscarriage (where the fetus stops developing but the body doesn't clue in), but also an ectopic pregnancy. We love them, too.

It's been a rough ride. Losing my job hasn't helped, because now we're stuck spinning our wheels until I am established in a new job (after probation). We have 6 little babes waiting in cryo-preservation for us to be able to give this another go... hopefully sooner rather than later.

I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of dodging questions. I 'came out' on a forum I frequent a while back... so now I'm coming out here (now that D has finally said I can).

What do I hope to gain by 'coming out'? I hope that people who know me might understand me better. I hope that people who have a high opinion of my strength will have a better idea of some of what's made me the way I am. I hope that some people will be more compassionate in dealing with people battling fertility challenges... that they won't make assumptions about when or whether people who are living childless want children... that they'll think before they speak... before they ask insensitive questions... before they make comments that might be hurtful. And I hope that when my friends become pregnant, that they'll try not to be hurt if I don't seem thrilled for them... I am thrilled for them, but I can't separate that happiness from my own sorrow. That pisses me off, and I'm truly sorry that I can't share in their untainted joy. And I hope that through this I can raise awareness and help someone else through my experiences. Because the pain in life is only meaningless if we don't use that knowledge of pain to help someone else in the same place.

So... there it is.