What the...?

This is going to be a long one (very, very long, it seems)… I’ll understand if you don’t get through it all (she said, pretending that anyone actually reads this thing *laugh*)

Ok… I don’t usually put much stock in the “meaning” of dreams. They’re just dreams. I pay more attention to my personal intuition (more than once I’ve been overwhelmed by feelings that turned out to be fairly accurate although I had no real basis for “knowing”).

Lately, though, I’ve had a few dreams that have left me with a bad “taste” in my brain (well, ok. That just sounds odd… but I think you know what I mean… there’s a residual sense… and it’s icky). Lately my dreams have been haunted by my ex fiancé. I have absolutely no reason for him to be wandering around inside my mind. I haven’t seen him in about 8 years. I don’t deal with anyone who knows him (as far as I know…). And frankly, that’s a chapter of my life I have absolutely no desire to revisit. I can forgive and get past a lot of things from my history and see them purely as learning experiences. The time with him, however, I just can’t do that with. Nobody else has ever quite so successfully made me feel like dirt. Nobody else has isolated me from friends so effectively. Nobody else has ever been so abusive and gotten away with it for so long. And what have I been dreaming the times he’s turned up? Forgiving him and establishing a social relationship with him. Gah!

Guess it’s just further proof that I’m actually insane and just passing for well-adjusted *laugh*

So where’s the “bad taste” come in? Well, it goes something like this.

Have you ever had a dream that was so vivid that you woke up wondering if it was really a dream? I have. In fact, after one incident with this @ss, I spent several hours trying to convince myself that I’d dreamt it (sadly, I never quite convinced myself, and another incident that I know damn well wasn’t a dream undermined my careful self-brain-washing). You know that theory that you can’t dream about places you’ve never seen and people you’ve never met? Done it… in fact, while with this guy I dreamt about moving him into an apartment.... that he didn’t get for another 6 months after that (yes… exactly the same apartment… same unusual layout… same unusual light fixture…). These recent dreams have had a similar ‘feel’…. Like they’re more than just a dream, but I know damn well they haven’t happened. Yet.

Now, don’t get me wrong… I’d love to get beyond this and stop in from haunting me (for all that it helped make me the person I am today). But I just can’t see it happening. Our last few encounters were far from friendly. The only way I could possibly see me even being in the same room as him is if I was doing it for someone else. Like if, say, I discovered that a friend’s guy who she absolutely adores is the same @ss-wipe for whom I moved away from my whole family, gave up countless friends, tried to change my very nature to keep him happy, and ended up abused and assaulted. I recognize that people can change… that it’s quite possible that his family smacked some sense into him and he grew up (did I mention his mom actually called me to congratulate me for taking a stand against her boy? And that his brother who looked up to him said he wasn’t surprised because he was murder to live with?). I might have a moment of fear for the friend, but the gals I interact with are all strong women far less likely to put up with that kind of sh!t than I was. In such a situation (dear friend madly in love with him), I could conceive being civil to him.

But forgiving completely and actively pursuing a social relationship with him? I can’t see it. Not while I’m awake, anyway.

I dunno… it’s just freaking me out a bit, is all, so I thought writing might help. Sadly, not the case it seems *sigh*